Just Hold On
by Ailis Ceana
Summary: Edmund remembers the day she forgot. Now, he struggles to hold onto hope.


_**Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters or Narnia. They belong to C.S. Lewis.**_

_**A/N: This is my first FanFiction, so don't be too hard on me…Set several years after VDT-nearer to LB. Edmund's POV in first person. **_

The train came to a screeching halt. I couldn't sleep the whole trip although I was dreadfully exhausted. Peter, Susan, and I were coming home for the holidays after being away at college. This was Lucy's last year before she found a university. Peter's train was not expected to arrive until tomorrow; Susan's had arrived just before mine.

I peered through the small window to my right onto the platform where Dad and Su were waiting. Dad had a huge smile on his face. It had been awhile since we've all been _together_. He looked at Susan who gave him a warm smile. But, once Dad looked away, her smile morphed into a scowl. She wasn't happy. She was never happy anymore. She especially wasn't happy to even _think_ about seeing me again.

Susan and I haven't gotten along since the day she started considering Narnia an old "childhood game". I can't believe she forgot so quickly. How could she forget about Narnia? How Peter, Lucy, herself and I were once kings and queens? How could she forget Aslan?

I remember the day as if it were yesterday. I remember the day she forgot. It was a year after Lucy and I returned from our voyage with Caspian. We were told by Aslan that we were never to return to Narnia. We discussed it with Peter and Susan who had ,in their turn, been told the same our second time back. Susan listened, but I could see hurt in her eyes

Peter encouraged Lu and I to keep looking for Aslan, but Susan- she would immediately leave the room at the mention of His name or anything related to Narnia. I, as a concerned brother, asked her why she would brush us off so oft-_especially_, when we began talking about Narnia.

"Oh, come off it, Ed. I don't see any use in talking about it since we can't return."

"But it's part of us, all of us. It's hard to hide that," I replied.

"It's easy enough," she scoffed.

We had seen Susan less and less as the months progressed. In the next few months, the conversation came up again. That day was rainy, so she was "forced" to be with us.

The conversations were about school and such for a little while. And then Lucy had mentioned something about one of Mum's jewelry boxes looking very much Calormene. Susan began laughing, obnoxiously loud. In fact, that was the day I noticed that my sister's beautiful laugh had been replaced by this- this fake giggle.

" Oh, Lucy, still playing those games?" she had said.

Peter's face fell. He was just as disturbed as I was. " What do you mean 'games'?"

" That old game we used to play when we were trying to get our mind off the war? Nannia," she replied indifferently as she examined herself in a hand-sized mirror.

"_Narnia_," I corrected. '"And it wasn't a game. If you're trying to be funny, Su, it's not working."

"Edmund!" she looked at me, wide-eyed, as if I had just swore. "You are much, much too old for playing pretend!"

"It wasn't pretend," I said in awe.

" Susan, surely you haven't forgotten?" Peter exclaimed.

" Oh, Su! Don't you remember playing with the dryads near the river? And staying up late and finding constellations? And, surely, you remember Aslan!" Lucy tried innocently. The truth was, we all expected something was up with Susan. She was hardly home, anymore; we knew she was avoiding us.

"Hush!" Susan snapped. "I won't hear anymore of this! I didn't think _all_ my siblings were so childish."

Poor Lucy ran out of the room crying. Peter gave Susan a glare of disbelief and anger before running after our youngest sister.

"Susan, that was the cruelest thing you could have ever done," I said rather calmly. I was surprised, considering her comment made my blood boil.

"Sometimes, the truth hurts," she replied coldly.

" I'm not only talking about what you said to us. I'm talking about how you can deny Narnia ever existed without any conviction."

" I said, enough, Edmund," she said.

I calmed myself. To deal with Susan, one had to approach her with logic.

" Why do you think it was a game?"

She groaned, " Come on, Edmund! How can it be real? Four children ruling a country! No one in their right mind would allow so, nor think of such things. We were children bored on a rainy day. We needed to entertain ourselves."

" Susan, you know Narnia exists! There is so much proof. Look at Peter: he has more confidence than he had before the war. By the Lion! Look at me! Don't you remember how horrid I was before Narnia?"

She gave me an icy glare, " I would rather have an unconfident older brother and a bully for a younger brother than two brothers who still play childish make-believe. It's time to grow up."

I couldn't believe it. She had really forgotten.

I got up to leave the room. I stopped in the doorway. " Then, Queen Susan the Gentle is dead to Narnia."

The memory almost brought tears to my eyes as I grabbed all my luggage from the compartment above. I met my father and sister with a diplomatic smile, the one I used whenever meeting my enemies after a war in Narnia. Dad embraced me tightly, and Susan once again put on _her_ fake smile.

" Hello, Edmund. I hope your year at the university was well."

" Yes, sister," I replied trying to sound as kingly as possible. I did this whenever I was around her out of pure hope that she might remember. Hope was small…but I held on as tightly as I could.

'Now, come! Mum and Lucy are waiting for you two at home!' Dad said as he picked up Susan's bags.

The ride home was full of Susan's chatter. She constantly talked about her _social status_ in college.

"I'm always getting invitations! My schedule is just packed with parties-and school of course."

" Is that why I haven't gotten any letters from you?" I asked ,even though I knew it was not the answer.

"Yes," she replied shortly as Dad waited expectedly for an answer. I knew she hadn't written Dad and Mum much either. They asked me in their letters, whether I had heard from Su. They didn't realize how much our beloved Susan had absorbed herself into the ways of the world. She _barely_ kept her grades up. Peter had told me so. He was the only one to whose letters she cared reply.

Presently, we arrived home. As I walked in after Susan and Dad, Lucy tackled me with a hug.

" Edmund! You didn't reply to my last letter!"she chided with feign seriousness.

I grinned as a pulled out an envelope from my pocket.

"Actually, I did, my dear queen," I replied as I handed her the letter.

Mum and Dad were accustomed to us calling each other "king' or 'queen". It had been something we did after Narnia- although Susan had stopped.

"Well, why don't you get settled in your room, love," Mum told me as she kissed me on the cheek.

I nodded and ran up to my room. Susan slowly followed behind.

After setting my things in my old room, I headed back downstairs. I met Susan outside the doorway.

" Brings back memories, doesn't it?" I asked, hoping to break the tension after so many years.

We had been close-Susan and I. I suppose that's why it hurt me so much to see her turn away from Narnia. I remember the many times, during the first year of our reign, waking up from a dreadful nightmare to find Susan by my bedside, hushing me back to sleep.

" Yes," she replied thoughtfully. " But that is past. It is time to move on."

"That? What is 'that' specifically?" I knew what she was thinking. I was trying to squeeze an answer out of her.

Susan gave me a look so cold , it was almost like the one the Witch directed at me, right before she stabbed me.

" Childhood fantasies."

I knew it was hopeless. Yet, I began to argue with her until we were both blue in the face. We finally stopped when Dad came over and asked what all the fuss about. For our parents' sake, we simply replied that it was nothing important and proceeded to the dining room for supper. Not a word was exchanged between Susan and I the rest of the night.

Lu noticed. Bless her heart, she has always noticed. After supper, she whispered in my ear, " Aslan knows what's in Susan's heart. Leave her to him."

But how could I? My sister who was once an honorable queen, full of patience, kindness, and above all, gentleness. I hated myself for not pursuing her that one day when she told me that it was useless to talk about Narnia . If I could have helped her there, would things have been different now?

I brushed off my troubles for the rest of the evening, fully devoting my attention to Mum, Dad, and Lucy. Su had left to see her "old friends"-if they're what one calls "friends".

I objected to it strongly.

"Susan, you haven't seen your family since Christmas and you want to run off with your little friends? Why can't you sacrifice one-"

"Edmund, I have the rest of the holidays to spend with all of you. Can't you let me alone one night!"

That was the last thing she said before waltzing out the door ,leaving me dumbfounded. Perhaps, Peter can get to her, I had thought. He always had a way with her.

Susan hadn't returned that night. We knew not to call after her. After the sixth time of her disappearing into the night, Mum and Dad had given up.

She arrived early the next morning, around 5:30. I was awake anyway. I couldn't sleep, so I waited in the kitchen for her.

" Where have _you_ been all night?" I asked, as she entered the back door. She jumped, obviously startled.

" Oh! Edmund, my dear, you gave me a dreadful fright. I stayed over at Lisa's last night. It was past midnight when the party was over so-"

" You went to a bloody party on your first night back home!"

I couldn't retain my frustration any longer.

" Please don't interrupt. I was going to tell you about the delightful time I had. But I can see, you, not being much of a morning person-"

" This has nothing to do with the time of day, Su. You've been acting like this ever since you forgot Narnia."

" I didn't forget! It never existed, now if you please-"

" I can't believe you! After all we've been through there, you don't believe in it. Susan, we were in life and death situations!"

" Would you please STOP interrupting me!" she shouted.

Peter, who apparently caught an early train, quietly walked through the front door in the midst of our argument. Susan and I were too busy quarrelling to hear him.

" Shhh! You two are going to wake Mum and Dad up!" he hissed. "Now what is this about?"

"The usual," I replied.

"Peter," Susan calmed herself, and gave him a smile. " I'm sure you want some rest."

They embraced briefly.

"I got some sleep on the train," he said.

"Well, I am going to catch an hour or so more," Susan dismissed herself.

I turned to my older brother. I had tears brimming on my eyes as I saw that he was aching for the old Susan just as much as I was. He dropped his bags on the floor and pulled me into a strong embrace. One like he did after every battle we fought together.

" She'll come around," he whispered. " Just hold onto hope."

I nodded, even though I was struggling inside. Why couldn't I have Lucy's faith in people? Why couldn't have her large capacity to see good in people? Why was it hard to hold on?

Peter went upstairs, leaving me alone in the kitchen.

" Oh, Aslan," I whispered. " Help her to remember who she is."

I felt a sudden hope rise within me. She would remember, someday. I am sure of that. After all, once a king or queen, always a king or queen.

_**A/N 2: What did you think? I hope browsing through Edmund's memories weren't too confusing. If it was, let me know, please. I hope you enjoyed it though!**_


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